DOWN THE RABBiT HOLE
New York City
Deep Below the Streets
“We’re late.”
I watched as Roach ran ahead, his tiny tushy squeezing together in the tight leotard. I’d probably be fucked for not telling him he had a little tuft of toilet paper tucked between his arse cheeks, but that’s what you get for falling asleep on the bogger.
“Chill, bunny britches,” I said. One of the bois gave in to a laugh, so I just knew it was but a matter of time before he was in me yarbles. Ain't much point showing up first if you was the one everyone was coming to see though, ya? Nine up, no matter what time we made the scene, some fuck-off would show up that much later. Like Bindy-Lou-Who's pop said, rest his soul, "It's nature's way", so I'd be fucked if I was gonna make it easy for them to piss the polish out of my grandiose.
Me, that is Alice, and me mateys, Dave, Corpse, Moliarty, don't let his name fuck you off, he's straight Jolly Green, Squeezer, and Roach, the piss pour wiper, was piping our way to the gather 'round for a customary chitty on the upcoming melawan raja. Some skitebird fok decided in the long ago that rather than hold a dignified, proper democratic, leadership grumblies and groans would be decided by passing punches, or swappin' semen, but when did it come to that?
“We’re late.”
I wouldn’t boost his britches with a righty-o, but fuck me I could already hear the rumblin’ and roar of the melawan fokin’ raja. I waved the bois avast, figured here would be a good enough place to spruce our gooses, after all, best to make a whole fuck all from the get - really get in their zozos. The bois knew the assignment, after all it was a y-day. Masks on, hoodie’s up, and let me tell you something, me lovely li's - it was quite a sight to behold with the ol’ jeepers creepers.
“I hate these things,” said Squeezer. He had his arms in the hope-to-die across his chest so I knew he was giving me the real ones-and-twos. You might not know, and make no mistakes my dear sweet hearty-hearts, but before I became the Punchout Princess of the Pipelines, Julius ran the roost for nearly two ten-years.
“Are we proper fucked, then?” I asked. He gave me the back and forth with his gulliver.
“Well, what say bois?” I asked, “We ready to show these maddafakkas how we do the fuck around?” Rubberface Rex roared, fokin’ ridiculous really, but who was I to take a piss in Dave’s dinosaur delight. Batshited or bonkered, either way the boi was a beast: at least in his ol’ thumper. Hands stacked for the here we go. I popped me own hood up, Corpse did the puff-puff and reached the nail out to yours truly. I picked the dagga from his paw and held back to let him do his thing. He had quite a mouth on him - real pretty with the things he said.
"Listen 'ere a' ye pumpin' maggot eating jobby weasels!" His voice was booming as he oozed into the room. All the rubble-bubble necks gave up the gab, flipping their filthy yappers closed.
“Whit yin o' ye ass-eating kitten ear fok toys think ye hae th' dick in ye tae raise yer anchor tae th' Shaman Queen herself?” My time for a bit of the glitter, I flick ‘em the deuce, "Wha amongst ye dares ta chall'nge She o' th' Shattered Gless?”
The gather-rounds got to gabbing, but me bois pie-polisher put a stop to that.
"Youse yer pumpin' chest 'n' speak if ye hae it in ye," he barked, "Bit know…th' only arousal ye hae left is th' cheap thrill o' yer own impendin' doom!"
“You haven’t flushed that fucking corpse yet, have you?”
Street Shark. A grade-A asshole if there ever was a market for ‘em, Shark was as always accompanied by the Flavor-Savor Four, his gang of Geckos. They were a lot of lookieloos from the Greenwich Greenways. Park punks and paddy-whackers, they were better known for the behind-the-back than the eye-to-eye.
"Ah see ye aye haven't played a proper gam o' catch wi' a cab yit ye shit-eating surface numpty."
“Are you serious?” Roach shouted, “This guy?”
“Yeah,” Shark said, puffing up his brisket. “This guy.”
Boy, let me tell you me mateys, did he ever fuck right off when Moliarty tried to tighten his throat from the outside, he did.
“Well fuck me!” I said, loudly enough, so the later-taters baking in the back could hear me, “I guess we could get straight on with it, then. What say, bois?” The apple-plause-sauce was enough to get the knuckles shuffling. Corpse had no fuck around in him and clopped one of the closer Geckos straight away with the one-two special before getting all squared with the next. After that, all fok broke loose between us. My bruise crew showed them a thing-or-two about a thing-or-two as the chassos tried to order up and me? I fuckin’ had him, bois, you should have seen me - caught him up in his own clothware and was clockin’ in on him like it was me fourty-hour. One of his sticky little salamanders got his guppies on me just long enough for Shark to find feet between us. Would you believe the stones on this fok, he cried “Time out!.
A little knock-knock-who's-there sent his slimey stooge stumblin' his way with as much mustard as I could squeeze. My fuck, bois, a quick tussle-and-tap now turned into a real advent. “What say bruvs, should we pull our horns for a bit of a breather?"
“Ye'v git tae be pumpin' joking wi' us ye chippy boaby weasel!” Corpse said. He had returned to the first of the fuck-arounds, catching him with solid rib crushin’ kick. Nothing to boohoohoo about on the right-of-way-anyway - he should’ve crawled the hump of some other slag.
“You're nothing without your crew. One day it'll be just you and me,” Shark said. I’d be right in me ass if I told you I didn’t think he meant it, but I wouldn’t give him the jolly-wobbles and instead offered to decrease the peace by a pointer. “Real cute.” Time in I reckon, the bleedin’ gums gave it a go at the turn-around, but we laid them down quick. One pin left but still strike, strike, strike, I had a thing to say and I let me fists do all me yappin’.
Shark tried, let me tell you he tried, but I fight harder my fine fellows. His boot-and-rally turned into more boot-than-rally and finally, the tussle had turned to tap. “You say it again, fuck-o!” I said, full leg living in his larynx. “Say it for the one’s in the back.”
“I give up!”
Boy did he ever. I let him git and turned my back as he scurried away. His fellow fucky-wuckies found their way to their feet, all but the one playin’ horizontal by Corpses’. Fuck me, what a mess he had made of that one.
“A' hail She o' th' Shattered Gless. She stauns triumphant, victorious noo 'n' forever. Mind this moment 'n' guard ye pumpin' tounges th' ne't yin o' ye wha wants tae mak' a hail horses boaby aboot hee haw!”
And there it was bois, the big hurrah. End of story right? Happily after, long live the queen, and all that?
“Hey Roach!” Someone screamed over the rumblies, “You got paper in your ass cheeks.”
My fuck that gave us a laugh.
NY Underground, Five Points Place
The Shattered Glass
“I don’t know, bois,” I had said, “He’s some kinda of big shot above snakes…”
“So?”
So indeed. The bruvs had gone down to Squeezer’s bar for a night on the town, but there was work to be had and havin’ it, I was. The candles breathed to life. Me foot crushed the glass, winced I did, but no reason to give halt. Pain was a pretty thing - it brought about the long-gones, if you knew your way. The glass felt wet as I kneeled down and piled it up, squeezing it in my hands. I closed me eyes, and could heard Bebop chirping. She always did when mama made the walk.
My toes, my leg, my thumper all lub-dub-lub-dub like the beat of the timps. Lub dub. I heard it in me mind. The banging of the drum, the oh’ so long gone memory, the echoechoecho, the reverb. I saw it clear as day, me bois, when I closed me eyes: the way down, down, down, below the world that is our own. Below snakes. Below the sewers. Below reality.
The Gavi.
Just through the rabbit hole, all you had to do was close your eyes and hear that drum: lub-dub-lub-dub-lub-dub. I fell and there I floated, forever, forever, but there I was, still only in the now.
Three bells tolled and I heard a voice.
"Я вижу твое будущее."
“But you won’t tell me.”
"Нет"
“What’s it like to believe you’re a god?”
"Я Бог."
“Gods don't bleed.”
Feather-like, my feet touched something in the pitch and I knew I was by meself once more, or so I thought. It was water beneath my feet, cool and wet, and then I saw it, me bois, I saw it. It was watching me in the dark. A vision of violence, and I heard it again: lub-dub-lud-dub. My heart racing as I chased after, but it made rabbit. It was a step away and I could see it, oh I could see it, each time my foot touched down there was a splash of blue light and turquoise toes. It was out of my reach, but I ran and ran and lub-dub-lub-dub I tried. It was climbing, climbing, climbing and lub-dub-lub-dub-lub-dub…all I could do was watch from the dark as it got away.
“What did it all mean?” I asked and Rasputin whispered from somewhere in the dark.
"Я тебе никогда не скажу."
“No, course you won’t.”
Lub-dub-lud-dub-lub-dub. My heart raced out of me chest, me eyes opened, and I emptied me guts on the floor.
Spirits are such assholes.
Nobody tells you that from the get, but it was mostly bang on. Crossing over was one thing, but the journey back? A whole ‘nother fuck. Another heave-ho into the bogger wasn’t enough and I felt right topsy-turvy, so I rolled up some za and had a sit. Bebop and Rocksteady must have found somewhere warm to take a nappy and so not a creature was stirring, surely and truly. There was something peaceful about the nights below snakes, calm - the rush of the sewers rolling waters somewhat soothing after…
“My fuck…” I thought. It never got easier and this time I didn’t make it to the head and so there I was, swabbin’ the decks. I got a scrub to me and put together a nice get-up. I hadn’t planned on going to get roostered, but my word bois did I ever need to air this place out. I tucked on me boots and started out towards the Sewerside bar.
“I told you I’d catch you alone,” said a voice in the pitch, just as I stepped from my porch, and I’ll give you a guess on who that might be. That’s right, me jolly goods, your ol’ pal the Sewer Shark and his four little fuck-arounds, with their black-and-blues patched up from their prodding, tucked once again in their green vests. The one Corpse hit looked something deadly.
“And right you did!” I said loudly, giving them my best about face, “And here I am and there you are!” I knew I was likely fucked in this situation, but bois when the chips are stacked against you, sometimes you go all-in.
“Here we are…Princess…” he said and the hounds began to circle, cutting off my return route. Proper fucked. I continued to walk backwards, away from the Glass, the water at my backside. There was a faint, familiar hiss and a splishy.
“I hope you didn’t have any trouble finding the place, though I must tell you, business hours are over. As you can see I was just closing up.” The one worse for wear stood in my path and I stopped, my word the whallop Corpse had given him. Another stepped up - one starboard, one port, I was flanked and fucked all-in-one. All except me stern, and I didn’t quite fancy a swim.
“Closing up that mouth,” Shark said, giving his knuckle a crack. “Permanently.”
“Shark, you’ve always think real pretty,” I said, my heel teetering on the edge, “but didn’t you know?”
There was a riptide and a roar and there he was, me hearties, fifteen feet of fury. A flash of teeth and my fuck did that poor polly screech as Bruce, my albino beauty, took hold of his leg.
“I’m never alone.”
And he screamed and he screamed and they ran, oh yes my lovely lis, they ran. All except the one, of course, who never ran again.
“Do you ever wonder what lurks beneath? What’s just below the surface?”
Her hand hovers just over the flame and she closes her eyes.
“A burning desire within, we want to reach into the dark. That curiosity. What lies beneath….”
There is another deep, primal reverberation. Somewhere in front of her a light flickers, revealing one large pair of glowing, red eyes creeping just beside her in the darkness. Hundreds more tinier ones crawl around and above her.
“Sometimes it’s not what you see, but what's just below that’s the deadliest. It’s not who we are or what we look like, but what we’re capable of.”
The flickering light passes overhead to show that Alice is surrounded on the small raft as it creeps down the narrow river by the entire Sewer Squad, geared up and ready for battle. Dave, Squeezer, Sewer Corpse, Roach, and Moliarty, all kneel in wait. Behind them, a man wearing a skeleton hoodie, pulled low over his eyes moves a long oar in-and-out of the water. Rodents run along the walls and across the ceiling. There are two rats in particular who crawl around in her hoodie, the albino one nestling itself into her hand. She pets it’s head gently as she speaks.
“Even in my fuzzy wuzzies, there’s still a killer inside.” She brings it to her mouth and kisses it on it’s head, smiling, “There is a monster in us all and monsters all around us. Lurking, waiting. Ready to lash out, to strike, to feed. So what does it take to break the surface? To let it loose? If you knew those answers, would you set it free? And what if the monster’s already loose? What then? What lies beneath? The belly of the beast, that’s the million dollar question then, innit? Damian, I’m asking you: what lies beneath?”
The raft slides into darkness once more, the candle illuminating only Alice and her rats.
“I want you to show me.”
Bebop scurries back into her sleeve.
“Show me something different than you’ve done before, because oh my boyo when I say to you I’ve seen you before I don’t just mean with my peepers, nono my little bubbly-wubbly,” she covers her eyes with her palms, “I mean with my very soul and my very being I saw you…just out of my reach but oh my deary deer, my high beams are on now and I see you for what you are, not a chase to be had or a thing to be feared, but a challenge. And oh my boy, my pretty, pretty boyo, what a challenge to be had.”
Alice puts her hand down against her chest, doing her best to feign innocence.
“Who am I you ask?”
The deep, gravelly voice of Sewer Corpse echoes through the tunnel.
”A nightmare, fresh fae a depths ye'v ne'er afore seen. Pain 'n' punishment ur th' ainlie languages she speaks, fur she is none ither than th' Punchout Princess herself, She o' th' th' Shattered Gless.”
They pass once more under a light, Alice now smiling wide. Rocksteady has taken up residence on her shoulder and is tugging at her blond hair.
“Oh apolly-wollogies, my deary dear. I’m sure you’ve only heard but a thing or two after all we’ve only begun to touch your world and better still. To seek me out here would mean your doom, but fear not, Damien: we’re coming to you. Oh, we’re coming, my lovely li, we’re coming and if you close your eyes and listen close you can hear it. Not with your ears, but deep within. Lubdublubdub, is the pounding of your thumper, cause in the end, Damien?” she winks, “Curiosity gets the best of us all.”
Bebop’s face pops from inside her sweater, watching her brother tug away at the golden locks.
“I’m coming.”
Bebop takes hold of Rocksteady’s tail from within her sweatshirt and tries to pull him in. He squeals and she pulls him away, setting him on the raft.
“Oh, I’m coming and I’m willing to walk into your world, into your ring, and tell you face-to-face and fist-to-fist who I am but know this: this may be your world, but these will be my rules. The rule of the rodent, the rottweiler, the survival of the fittest and the power of the pack. Oh I’m coming, my little beauty, but I’m not alone.”
The raft once more is illuminated. She holds her hands out wide.
“Are you curious, Damian?”
She blows out the candle as they move under another light.
“Are you curious of what lies beneath or which of us bleeds?”
The raft moves into the darkness…
“Time will tell, won’t it?”
…and the scene fades completely into the pitch.
The Infinite Sewer
Somewhere Between New York and Chicago
“I hate this thing, I’m gonna be sick!”
I watched Roaches' little bum as he scurried towards the edge of the raft, just as we cut the feed. He does the ol' heave ho! overboard.
"Well, at least we won’t be late!” I said, and I could hear one of the bois stifle a laugh.
“Fuck you!” he said, or at least tried to say before unloading into the water.
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